Tortallan Truth or Dare
by Seadragon
Summary: The Tortallans are suckered in to a Truth or Dare gameshow, hosted by none other than the Marauders! They're in for a wild ride! [Chapter 13 is up! Wow that took me a long time... Enjoy it people]
1. Episode 1

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!  
  
(A/N: Yes I realize the Marauders are from Harry Potter! HOW COULD SHE?!!!!!! Now two of my favorite characters are dead, one's gonna die, and the other is a traitor! WAHHH!)  
  
PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOSTS!  
  
Remus, Peter, Sirius, AND James!  
  
(A/N: Just a note, they are 16.)  
  
*Spot Light Pans over to 4 stools identical to the other 12 in the circle with them. On them are four teenage boys.*  
  
James: HELLO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! *bounces on stool*  
  
Sirius: HI! *waves energetically at the cameras* *whispers to Remus* Alright, who gave him the sugar?  
  
Remus: Hey! *Grins at cameras* *Whispers back* That was you, idiot!  
  
Peter: Umm, hi. *Smiles widely at the cameras* *glares at Sirius* How could you?!  
  
Sirius: Well, James was supposed to do this, but SOMEONE gave him sugar, so here are the contestants!  
  
Remus: THAT WAS YOU SIRIUS!  
  
Sirius: WAS NOT!  
  
Remus: WAS TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT! Now here are the contestants!  
  
Sir Alanna the King's Champion, of Trebond, Pirate's Swoop, and Olau!  
  
Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan!  
  
King Jonathan of Tortall!  
  
Baron George of Pirate's Swoop, and King of The Thieves!  
  
Sergeant Domitan of Masbolle!  
  
Sir Nealan of Queenscove!  
  
Wildmage Daine  
  
Numair, Black Robe Mage!  
  
Sir Knight Commander Raoul of Goldenlake and Marjorie's Peak!  
  
Sir Gareth the Younger of Naxen  
  
Squire Owen of Jesslaw  
  
and  
  
Faithful!  
  
*Contestants enter from stage right*  
  
Alanna: FAITHFUL! *runs screaming at him and grabs him*  
  
Faithful: AGH! This is precisely why I DIED!  
  
Peter: Umm, can everyone take a seat!  
  
Dom: Who are you?! And what's wrong with him?! *points at James who is engaged in a lively fight with a coat rack*  
  
Sirius: We're the Marauders! Meet Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs! SOMEONE gave him sugar!  
  
Remus: THAT WAS YOU SIRIUS!  
  
Sirius: WAS NOT!  
  
Remus: WAS TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Remus: TOO!  
  
Sirius: NOT!  
  
Peter: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Three Hours Later  
  
Peter: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
All except James: *hiding in a corner*  
  
James:  
  
As we go on We remember  
  
All the times we  
  
Had together  
  
And as our lives change  
  
Come whatever  
  
We will still be  
  
Friends Forever  
  
Neal: Your names can't be Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs! Who ever met a kid named Moony? That's like naming your kid Sirius! Get it? Sirius, serious?  
  
Remus: NO SIRIUS! Don't do it!  
  
Sirius/Padfoot: *growling menacingly and advancing on Neal*  
  
Neal: Oops.  
  
Owen: How jolly! You're a jolly dog!  
  
Raoul: Would you jolly well shut up! AGH! *whimpers in corner*  
  
Jon: Now look what you have jolly well done Owen! NO!!!!!!!!!!! *hides under chair*  
  
Owen: MWHAHAHAHA! No one is free from the jolliness!  
  
Alanna: Now that's not jolly well true! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
James: Jolly! Jolly! Jolly!  
  
Owen: Jolly! Jolly! Jolly!  
  
Remus: Will anyone survive the jolliness? Will Neal escape Padfoot? Will Faithful get out of Alanna's death grip? Will we EVER get to the game? Find out next time!  
  
James/Owen/Peter: JOLLY! JOLLY! JOLLY!  
  
Remus: Oh well, you know what they say! If you cant beat em, join em! JOLLY! JOLLY! JOLLY! 


	2. Episode 2

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!  
  
Remus: Welcome back to Tortallan Truth or Dare! During our break we regained order over all but James! But not to worry, we have him locked away some where safe. *glances at empty cage with bent bars* Er, never mind. Just a second.  
  
Sirius: Ow! JAMES POTTER! *James/Prongs skids to a stop and looks at Sirius meekly*  
  
Peter: Change! NOW!  
  
James/Prongs: *changes back to human* Calm down. You don't need to go crazy!  
  
Remus: Alright. Now that everyone is back to normal, *glares at James* we can start our game. Everyone pick a number between 1 and 20.  
  
Alanna: Nine!  
  
Neal: Eight!  
  
Raoul: Seven!  
  
George: Six!  
  
Kel: Twelve!  
  
Alanna/Neal/Raoul/George: *glare*  
  
Kel: *cowers*  
  
Jon: Nineteen!  
  
Dom: Two!  
  
Daine: Five!  
  
Numair: Three!  
  
Gary: Fifteen!  
  
Owen: Seven! Twenty! Oo! I know, this is it! The jolliest number of all! Ten!  
  
Faithful: Twenty.  
  
James: EIGHTY-TWO!!!!!!!  
  
Remus: *smacks James on the back of the head*  
  
James: Ow! You're mean in Tortall!  
  
Remus: *sigh* Mirthros, if you're listening, SAVE ME!  
  
Sirius: Mirthros? Do I know him? He's one of Snape's friends isn't he?! Where is he? Let me at 'im!  
  
Remus: Right. Ok, Gary, you got it! You're first!  
  
Peter: Oo! Oo! Let me do it! Alright, Truth or Dare?! Huh? Truth or Dare?!  
  
Gary: Uh, Dare I guess.  
  
Peter: Hmm. I dare you too. too. too.. OH! I got it! I DARE YOU TO CUT ALANNA'S HAIR!!!!  
  
Alanna: What do you have against me you little rat?! *draws Lightning*  
  
Remus: Freaky how close she is, huh Sirius? Oh right, NO KILLING THE HOSTS!  
  
Sirius: Totally.  
  
Alanna: *sits down and gives Peter frequent death glares*  
  
(A/N: GO ALANNA! YOU GET HIM!)  
  
Gary: Er, she isn't allowed to kill me right?  
  
Remus: Of course she isn't allowed to kill you! To make sure she cant, you get to use her sword to cut her hair!  
  
Alanna: Damn.  
  
Jon: If she isn't allowed to kill you, I will Gary!  
  
Gary: He's not allowed to do that right? Sirius: Umm, I don't know. It doesn't say in my Handy-Dandy Extreme Book of Rules for Truth or Dare, Tortallan Edition, sorry. *flips through very large Handy-Dandy Extreme Book of Rules for Truth or Dare, Tortallan Edition*  
  
Gary: Damn.  
  
George: Hey! If anyone is going to kill the man who cuts my wife's hair, it should be me!  
  
Jon: Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah! *sticks out tongue*  
  
Alanna: Er, shouldn't I get to choose who kills the man who cut my hair?  
  
Peter: Yah, I guess so.  
  
Alanna: Good, then I want to kill him.  
  
Remus: Tough. Choose which of those two gets to kill him. *points at Jon and George who are glaring at each other* Pathetic.  
  
George: He's a prat!  
  
Jon: He lies!  
  
George: He's spoiled!  
  
Jon: Ya, well, GEORGE IS STILL KING OF THE THEIVES!  
  
Alanna: *gasps*  
  
George: *growls* That was low.  
  
Kel: Cant we just solve this peacefully?  
  
Alanna: Shove off, I'm beating my husband.  
  
Sirius: Will George come out of this alive? Will Alanna's hair ever get cut? Who will get to kill Gary? Will we EVER get onto the game?  
  
Alanna: Damn you George! *whacks him with a book*  
  
George: Ow! Ow! Ow! OW!!!!!!!!! 


	3. Episode 3

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!  
  
Remus: Welcome back to Tortallan Truth or Dare! With any luck we will be able to control James, save Gary and cut Alanna's hair! I know it's doubtful, but we all have our fingers crossed.  
  
Sirius: We were beginning to wonder if James was becoming mentally unstable, but we found out he still hates Lily, so it's got to be that blasted sugar!  
  
Prongs: *runs in circles around the stools*  
  
Sirius/Padfoot: Alright that's it, you're asking for it! *changes into Padfoot and chases Prongs*  
  
Daine: HOW DO THEY DO THAT?!  
  
Numair: I know, they do it constantly but never ever get tired! *grabs Padfoot's tail and pulls him to a halt*  
  
Padfoot/Sirius: Grr. *bites Numair's wrist and changes back* What was that for? We were just playing tag!  
  
Numair: How. Do. They. Do it? *pokes Sirius all over*  
  
Sirius: HEY! Watch it. I'm human you know! *whispers to Remus* Can we go home now? These people are barbarians!!  
  
George: We can hear you, you know. *holds ice on lump on his head*  
  
Sirius: Ya, so?  
  
George: *sigh*  
  
Peter: Er, Gary, are you ever going to cut Alanna's hair? You have to!  
  
Alanna: Damn. Does he really have to?  
  
Peter: *nods*  
  
Alanna: Just wait until it's my turn you rat.  
  
Remus: Once again, freaky how close she is, isn't it?  
  
Sirius: Totally.  
  
Peter: Wait, they are allowed to ask us, are they?  
  
Sirius: Umm, I'm not sure. It doesn't say in my Handy-Dandy Extreme Book of Rules for Truth or Dare, Tortallan Edition, sorry. *flips through very large Handy-Dandy Extreme Book of Rules for Truth or Dare, Tortallan Edition* Ask Remus.  
  
Remus: How am I supposed to know?! Er, ya, they're allowed.  
  
James: Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy. *hops around on a pogo stick*  
  
Neal: What that hell is that?!  
  
Sirius: *sigh* I think this calls for drastic measures.  
  
Remus: You don't mean.?!  
  
Sirius: I do.  
  
Remus: *shocked breath*  
  
Sirius: I think it's necessary.  
  
Dom: What? What's necessary?!  
  
Sirius/Remus: Lily.  
  
James: *falls of pogo stick*  
  
Peter: You're not serious!  
  
Sirius: Actually I am, as Neal so kindly pointed out!  
  
Neal: *gulp*  
  
Dom: Nice going Meathead! (  
  
Kel: *laugh*  
  
Gary: Hey that's funny! Sirius, serious!  
  
Sirius: Ha ha ha. Laugh all you want, you're the one who's going to die.  
  
Gary: Oh right. *pulls a depressed face*  
  
Sirius: *snickers*  
  
Numair: *pokes rigid James, who is sitting on the floor in shock*  
  
Sirius: You can stop doing that you know!  
  
Numair: But he can turn into an animal at will, and at a single word he collapses! It's a miracle!  
  
Remus: *sigh*  
  
Sirius: I'll get Lily! Luckily I was prepared for this. *pop*  
  
Numair: *faints*  
  
Peter: Oh dear.  
  
Gary: Do I have to cut Alanna's hair now?  
  
Remus: NO! We have to wait till Sirius gets back with Lily.  
  
James: Lily. Lily. Lily. Doom. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. I'm gonna die. Lily.  
  
Jon: What exactly is wrong with him?  
  
Alanna: Lily.  
  
Jon: How the hell would you know?!  
  
Alanna: *sigh* And he wonders why I didn't marry him.  
  
George: *snickers*  
  
Sirius: *pop*  
  
Lily: *pop*  
  
Daine: *faints*  
  
Raoul: Like teacher, like student.  
  
Faithful: You really are ignorant aren't you? I've been dead and I even know!  
  
Raoul: Huh?  
  
Faithful: *shakes head* Never mind.  
  
Owen: Anyways, who are you?  
  
Lily: Me? I'm Lily.  
  
Alanna: We kinda guessed that. So what's with you and James?  
  
Lily: Er. Long story. It started with ice cream and continued with pineapples, skulls and crossbones, unpoppable bubbles, and is still going with non-unlockable doors.  
  
All of the contestants: *stare*  
  
James: Lily. Lily. Lily. Life is over as we know it. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. I'm doomed. Lily.  
  
Lily: I'm right here James.  
  
James: LILY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Alanna: Can we get this over with?  
  
Peter: Get what over with?  
  
Alanna/Gary: My/Her hair.  
  
Remus: Right. Ok. Gary, are you ready?  
  
Gary: *nods*  
  
Sirius: Alanna, are you ready?  
  
Alanna: Ya, that's it, I'm ready.  
  
Sirius: You aren't?  
  
Alanna: What are you talking about? Of course I'm ready.  
  
All except Alanna: Cut it! Cut it! Cut it!  
  
Alanna: *squeezes eyes shut*  
  
Gary: *grips Alanna's sword* Hey, I thought Lightning was stuck in that tombstone?!  
  
Alanna: *mumbles*  
  
Gary: What?  
  
Alanna: *mumbles*  
  
Gary: Speak up! I can't hear you!  
  
Alanna: I broke the tombstone alright?!  
  
Jon: *gasps* That was my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather's brother's drycleaner's florist's great aunt's pet poodle's vet's carpenter's tomb!  
  
Alanna: I wanted it back alright? Wait, what are drycleaners?!  
  
Jon: Never mind.  
  
Remus: Can we get on with the hair?!  
  
Lily: Just for the record, will Numair and Daine ever wake up? Will Jon get over his great-great-etc.-etc.-grandfather's brother's drycleaner's florist's great aunt's pet poodle's vet's carpenter's tomb? Will James ever be come a normal person? (which is not very likely, but I've got my fingers crossed!) Will Alanna's hair EVER get cut?  
  
All except Alanna: Cut it! Cut it! Cut it! 


	4. Episode 4

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!  
  
Lily: Welcome back to Tortallan Truth or Dare! Alright, I know this is Remus's line, but he is temporarily unavailable. *A loud howl interrupts Lily and she looks nervously at the studio doors* But getting on with our story, James is currently running around somewhere torturing some innocent contestant, Sirius is also currently running around somewhere, but he is chasing after James. Alanna is STILL waiting for her hair to be cut. I sure hope Gary has updated his will.  
  
Gary: Umm. I don't know if I should do this. I kind of want to live ya know.  
  
Alanna: *sighs with disgust* Fine! If you wont do it, I will! *Grabs Lightning from Gary and starts sawing on her hair*  
  
Kel: What are you doing?!  
  
Alanna: What does it look like?! *sigh* How did SHE become my predecessor?  
  
Dom: What are you talking about? Kel's great!  
  
Raoul: *raises an eyebrow*  
  
Dom: At weapons I mean. *blushes*  
  
Jon: Why Alanna?! Why?  
  
Alanna: *looks at the pieces of red hair on the ground and smiled* Gary was taking to long and I don't want to pay for a barber.  
  
Lily: As we can see, these Tortallans lead complex lives.  
  
James: Barbarians! *runs past, Sirius hot on his trail*  
  
Lily: And, James is never going to grow up. *sigh*  
  
George: Don't worry, we've all had our fair share of such people. *glances meaningfully at Neal, Owen, Alanna, and Jon*  
  
Alanna: Are you implating, no that's not right. Implanting? No. Impeling? No. I know! Implying!  
  
George: *sigh*  
  
Alanna: Are you implying that Jon and I never grew up?  
  
George: Yes.  
  
Alanna: *sticks tongue out at Jon* Told ya so! That'll be 10 coppers!  
  
Jon: *pouts and counts coins into Alanna's palm*  
  
George: As I was saying.  
  
Lily: What ever, we need to get on with the game.  
  
Peter: Right, it's your turn to ask someone Gary!  
  
Gary: Umm, I dunno. I only really know Jon, Alanna, and Raoul, and they're crazy. I guess I'll ask. Numair.  
  
Lily: Sorry, can't ask people that aren't conscious, it kinda messes up the game.  
  
Gary: Oh right, then Nealan I guess. Truth or Dare?  
  
Neal: *goes very, very red* It's not Nealan, it's Neal! How many times do I have to tell you people! Only my least favorite aunt calls me Nealan!  
  
Dom: Or you can just call him Meathead like us.  
  
Gary: Er. Truth or Dare?  
  
Neal: Truth. I don't want to know what you people can think of.  
  
Gary: Umm. Umm. Er. Uh. Oh! I know. What did you use to bribe Lord Wyldon not to kick you out?  
  
Neal: Nothing!  
  
Gary: Are you sure?  
  
Neal: Yes of course I'm-  
  
Kel: Wait, it wasn't bribery. It was. Blackmail!  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Gary: Uh, I guess I need to change the question then. What did you use to blackmail Lord Wyldon?  
  
Neal: Umm, which time? I mean, I never blackmailed him! *glares at Kel* You are so dead Mindelan.  
  
Gary: Well?  
  
Neal: *mumbles*  
  
Gary: What?!  
  
Neal: You really need to get your ears checked. I said. I have a mage photo of him dancing the funky chicken in a bunny suit!  
  
All: *collapse into helpless laughter*  
  
Lily: Hey! I think Dumbledore has one of those!  
  
James: Nope, that's a rat suit! *runs past once again, Sirius still chasing him*  
  
Lily: Oops, my bad.  
  
Peter: Er, isn't it Neal's turn?  
  
Lily: So it is. Neal?  
  
Neal: Er, Lily!  
  
Lily: Hey! You aren't allowed to do that!  
  
Remus: *walks in* Actually, ya he is. Sirius has the Handy-Dandy Extreme Book of Rules for Truth or Dare, Tortallan Edition. We checked in there, but it didn't say, so we decided that they could.  
  
Lily: Damn you all.  
  
Neal: Truth or Dare?  
  
Lily: Truth.  
  
Remus: *gasps* Lily! How could you?! Truth? I thought you weren't like that!  
  
Lily: *rolls eyes* I just don't want them doing what you and Sirius did!  
  
Remus: *grins* Oh right. I'd almost forgotten that, funny how that happens isn't it?  
  
Neal: Do you like James?  
  
Lily: No.  
  
Remus: Wait, I want to put a truth spell on her, I always did want to know the answer to that. The real one!  
  
Lily: That is the real one!  
  
Remus: Ya, and I'm human.  
  
Raoul: What? You aren't human? How?  
  
Remus: Long story. Re Vera! Ask her again.  
  
Lily: This is cruelty to animals!  
  
Remus: Actually, it would be cruelty to animals if you did that to me or the others.  
  
Lily: Whatever.  
  
Neal: Do you like James?  
  
Remus: Yo! Prongs! Front and center!  
  
James: *skids to a stop in front of Remus* Ya Moony?  
  
Remus: Just listen.  
  
Lily: N- N- Agh! Damn spell! Yes! Ok? Yes! I like James Potter!!  
  
Remus: Well James? *hears a thump and looks over*  
  
James: *passes out*  
  
Remus: Well, what do you know. He took that well considering.  
  
Dom: That was well?!  
  
Remus: Yup.  
  
Dom: Weird. *shakes his head*  
  
Daine: *wakes up* Well, what did I miss?  
  
Alanna: Not much. Jon found out I broke his great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather's brother's drycleaner's florist's great aunt's pet poodle's vet's carpenter's tomb, I cut my hair, we found out how Neal blackmailed Lord Wyldon-  
  
Daine: Oh really?! How?  
  
Alanna: Something to do with the funky chicken and a rabbit suit.  
  
Daine: Oh, I already knew that!  
  
Alanna: Right. Also we learned that Remus isn't human, and that Lily is in love with James, and then James passed out and you woke up.  
  
Sirius: Hey! What did I miss!  
  
Alanna: *sigh*  
  
Sirius: Er, what is James doing on the floor? What happened?  
  
Lily: *scowls and grumbles* Nothing, nothing at all.  
  
Sirius: Right. *looks at Moony*  
  
Remus: *mouths 'I'll tell you later' and grins suggestively at Lily and then James*  
  
Sirius: Finally?!  
  
Remus: Yup!  
  
Lily: ARGH!!! 


	5. Episode 5

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!  
  
Peter: Welcome back to Tortallan Truth or Dare! I know this is Remus's line, really I do. It's just. *looks around* James is unconscious, Lily is chasing Remus for his beautiful little truth spell, Remus is being chased, and Sirius, *turns to look at Sirius who is sitting on his stool, laughing maniacally* Well, we don't quite know what happened to him.  
  
Remus: *runs by* Help!  
  
Sirius: *laughs helplessly*  
  
Remus: *runs by again* Help!  
  
Sirius: *laughs like a mad man*  
  
Remus: *runs up to Sirius and grabs his collar* I said. HELP!  
  
Sirius: Right. *laughs insanely*  
  
Remus: Dumb dog.  
  
Peter: Right. Well it is Lily's turn now, and I think Neal should probably look out. *looks behind him* Never mind.  
  
Neal: *runs by* Help! *yelps as red sparks scorch his butt*  
  
Peter: *sigh* Its going to be a long game.  
  
(A/N: We hate Peter! Yes we do! He's a stupid bleater! Go fall in a pile of poo! *bows* Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!)  
  
Lily: *runs by* I would like to ask *runs past again* Kel *runs by again* Truth or Dare *sits in her stool, puffing*  
  
Kel: Umm, truth.  
  
Lily: Why did you name your stuffed toy that looks like a box of jello, Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World?  
  
Kel: What?! How did you find out!  
  
Lily: Umm, it says on the message board in the studio. *points to studio message board which has a notice written in bold letters that say, Kel has a stuffed box of jello named Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World!*  
  
Kel: Oh, right. Well, have you ever seen Deepest Darkest Secrets?  
  
All Tortallans: *cheer*  
  
Remus: Deepest Darkest Secrets? What the hell?  
  
Kel: It's a game show! Hosted by Seadragon and formerly Faithful, but now Alanna. I got to drop warhammers on people!  
  
Lily: Sounds fascinating. Really.  
  
Alanna: Seadragon's a bit of a nut though.  
  
Gary: Well yah, she's writing this story isn't she?!  
  
Raoul: Hey! Remember the time she made us play Survivor? In the Arctic!  
  
Jon: Those were the good old days. *sigh*  
  
All Tortallans: *sigh*  
  
Remus: Er. Right.  
  
(A/N: By the way, both Deepest, Darkest Secrets and Survivor: Arctic are written by me. Go check 'em out!)  
  
Lily: But what does that have to do with jello?  
  
Kel: Er, 1 sec. *grabs a printed copy of Deepest, Darkest Secrets and gives it to Lily*  
  
Lily: *reads* Oh! I see!  
  
Remus: Umm, I'm not going to bother reading that, but it's your turn Kel.  
  
Kel: Umm, Alanna!  
  
Alanna: Damn. Do I have to?!  
  
Remus: Yes.  
  
Alanna: But,-  
  
Remus: No.  
  
Alanna: What about?-  
  
Remus: No.  
  
Alanna: Crap.  
  
Raoul: That kid's just plain unnatural. How the hell does he do that? No one can predict Alanna! No one.  
  
Sirius: *wake up from sugar trance* Whats up?  
  
Remus: Well,-  
  
Sirius: Ok, and?  
  
Remus: Next,-  
  
Sirius: Good, good.  
  
Remus: Oh!-  
  
Sirius: Really? Whoa!! *gives Keladry an odd look*  
  
Gary: Ack! There's two of them!  
  
Sirius: *glances at Gary and Raoul who are huddle under their chairs* Right.  
  
Alanna: Fine, I pick truth!  
  
Kel: Er, I never asked you.  
  
Alanna: Get on with it you dumb blonde.  
  
Kel: *holds up mirror* What?! I've gone blonde?! NO! *looks in mirror again* Oh, never mind. Alright Alanna, why did you marry George?  
  
Alanna: Cuz I wanted to.  
  
Kel: Yah, yah, I've heard that a million times, now really. Why?  
  
Alanna: *scowl* Because that dumb bitch from up north stole Jon.  
  
George: WHAT?! *snarls at Jon*  
  
Peter: No fighting on set, I hate filling out those health forms. *sigh*  
  
George: *scowl*  
  
Jon: *scowl*  
  
Alanna: Oh crap. *whistles innocently*  
  
Lily: *sigh* Your turn Alanna.  
  
Alanna: *still whistling innocently* Huh what?  
  
Lily: Your turn.  
  
Alanna: Oh. Neal, truth or dare?  
  
Neal: Truth.  
  
Alanna: Wuss. Why don't you like vegetables?  
  
Neal: If you must know, *sigh* When I was younger I used to love carrots, I would eat carrots night and day, day and night, chopped, sliced or diced. Carrots were the only thing I enjoyed eating. I ate them day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.  
  
All: Get on with it already!  
  
Neal: No need to get violent! As I was saying, I ate them all the time, until, finally, I turned into a carrot myself! *sob*  
  
All: *laugh*  
  
Neal: *sniff* Its not funny! I was orange, and my hair was green and long. My horse tried to eat me!  
  
All: *laugh*  
  
Neal: Grr.  
  
Remus: Now, Neal, you know you don't want to hurt anyone.  
  
Neal: ATTACK!  
  
Lily: No! Neal, don't!  
  
Numair: Duck!  
  
Daine: What? Where?! *looks around franticly*  
  
Numair: *sigh*  
  
Sirius: Will we survive Neal the Carrot Man's attack? Will Daine realize there are NO ducks? Will James wake up? Lily sure hopes not!  
  
Duck: Quack! *Whack*  
  
Sirius: *falls over after the duck flies into his head* Ouch.  
  
Neal: DIE!!!!!!!!!! 


	6. Episode 6

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!  
  
Remus: Welcome back to Tortallan Truth or Dare! I finally got my line back, because there is no one chasing me around trying to kill me, and the moon isn't full. (Thank god). But, when we last left off, James was still unconscious, Neal the Carrot Man was on a rampage, and there was a psychotic duck on the loose.  
  
James: *wakes up* Hey! Where am I?  
  
Peter: Remus! Duck!  
  
Remus: AHH! *dives under his chair as the duck flies overhead*  
  
Duck: Quack!  
  
Daine: I told you there was a duck! I told you! AHH! No Neal! Don't!  
  
Neal: MWHAHAHA! To me Carrot Men! To me!  
  
Carrot Men: *run on from off stage*  
  
Alanna: Ugh. I hate carrots *grabs Lightning and starts dicing Carrot Men*  
  
Numair: You shall not pass! *makes a wall of fire*  
  
Daine: Numair! I told you to stop quoting Lord of the Rings! You have got to stop believing that you are an old man! It's not healthy!  
  
Numair: Fly you fools!  
  
Carrot Man #2: Commander, requesting permission to draw back! I repeat, draw back!  
  
Commander Carrot Man: Never! We fight to the death!  
  
Carrot Man #8: But I don't want to be a salad!  
  
Commander Carrot Man: Too bad soldier! You're gonna be diced and dressed before you retreat!  
  
Dom: Ok, this is odd.  
  
Faithful: I agree with you. What do you say we split?  
  
Dom: Sounds good. Lets go!  
  
Raoul: Not so fast Sergeant! If you ever want to be even considered for a promotion you'll start slicing and dicing!  
  
Dom: *sigh*  
  
Many Hours Later  
  
Sirius: Phew, I think that's the last of them!  
  
Gary: Why are you so tired? You didn't even help!  
  
Sirius: SO? It's hard work watching you guys chopping Carrot Men!  
  
Alanna: Pathetic.  
  
Sirius: And Proud.  
  
James: Forever and Always.  
  
Remus: Truly.  
  
Peter: Amen.  
  
Lily: Where were we?  
  
James: AHH!  
  
Remus: Oh shut up. I'm tired of your little act.  
  
James: *scowls*  
  
Sirius: You mean?-  
  
Remus: Yup.  
  
Sirius: Knew it.  
  
James: Hey! No-  
  
Remus: You know it.  
  
Sirius: *snickers*  
  
James: *pouts*  
  
Dom: You mean-  
  
Sirius: Yup.  
  
Dom: And he-  
  
Remus: Uh-huh.  
  
Dom: Whoa. Dude!  
  
James: ARGH!  
  
Peter: Anyways, I believe it is Neal's turn.  
  
Neal: Dom.  
  
Dom: Yes Meathead?  
  
Neal: Truth or Dare?  
  
Dom: Dare.  
  
Neal: *grins evilly*  
  
Dom: *sweats nervously* Oh crap.  
  
Neal: *grins evilly*  
  
Dom: Damn. Crap. Damn. Crap.  
  
Neal: *grins evilly*  
  
Remus: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!  
  
Neal: *glances at Remus* Dude, have you taken your pills yet?  
  
Remus: *muttering* How did he know? How did he know?  
  
Neal: Fine, I dare you to.  
  
Dom: *watches him apprehensively*  
  
Neal: .  
  
Dom: Yes?  
  
Neal: .  
  
Alanna: This kid has major issues.  
  
Faithful: I think it comes from being a carrot.  
  
Alanna: *nods*  
  
Neal: I dare you to. Swim through a pit of snakes!  
  
Dom: *sighs with relief* Umm, Neal? Where are we going to get a pit of snakes?  
  
Peter: Umm? Excuse me? Hello!  
  
Dom: Yes?!  
  
Peter: *stands on tiptoe and whispers in Dom's ear while pointing somewhere*  
  
Dom: I see. Crap.  
  
Neal: Come on Dom. Do it! Do it!  
  
Dom: Er.  
  
Neal: Come on Dom, are you. Carrot?  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Dom: NEVER! I can do it! I think. *walks over to the snake pit* Oh my.  
  
All: Do it! Do it!  
  
Dom: *muttering* Talk about peer pressure. Fine! *jumps in snake pit and screams*  
  
Raoul: What? What?! One of those damn snakes better not have hurt my sergeant!  
  
Dom: *leaps out screaming and snakes go flying*  
  
Sirius: Help! *runs by*  
  
Remus: Will James ever fess up? Will Dom have survived the snake pit? Will ANYONE survive the snakes?  
  
Sirius: *runs past again* Help!  
  
Remus: And will Sirius ever give it up?  
  
Sirius: Help!  
  
Remus: *sigh* Guess not.  
  
Alanna: *yelp* These things hurt! *she points at the snake latched to her ankle*  
  
Remus: Once again. *sigh* 


	7. Episode 7

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!  
  
Remus: Welcome back to Tortallan Truth or Dare! During our break we managed to capture all the snakes, we think, but try to be careful where you step. We also stopped James from strangling Sirius and I, but it came at a price.  
  
James: REMUS! YOU UNTIE ME RIGHT NOW! *hanging from the ceiling with his hands tied behind his back*  
  
Remus: As you can see here, he is a dangerous criminal, and you should never let him into your house.  
  
Sirius: James, you can't come down until you apologize!  
  
James: APOLOGIZE?! FOR WHAT?!  
  
Peter: So remember children, be careful and don't go anywhere with this man. No matter what he promises.  
  
James: Oh, so now I'm a kidnapper huh?!  
  
Sirius: Quiet convict.  
  
Remus: I thought I took away those books?  
  
Sirius: *sheepish grin*  
  
Remus: *sigh* The things I put up with.  
  
Dom: Er, are we ever going to get on with the show?  
  
Peter: No, probably not. And Dom, you have a snake in your hair.  
  
Dom: AHHH! *runs screaming shaking his head*  
  
Raoul: Need. Camera!  
  
Kel: Nice Raoul, nice.  
  
Raoul: I do my best. Just be thankful Alanna is still arguing with George and Jon and Gary, or it would be a hell of a lot worse. *suddenly, he hears a noise* NO!  
  
Alanna: HAHAHA! That is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen! Run Dom, run!  
  
Raoul: As I was saying.  
  
Kel: On a whole, you people aren't very nice.  
  
Alanna: YOU PEOPLE?! Is that what we are now? *pauses to think* I kinda like it, it has a nice ring to it.  
  
Jon: Alanna, have you ever-considered seeking professional help?  
  
Alanna: No. But I did see Duke Gareth a lot!  
  
Jon: That was for discipline.  
  
Alanna: Oh, was that what that was? Hmm.  
  
Gary: Oh dear god, what did you do to my father?!  
  
Alanna: Nothing permanent.  
  
Jon: How did you ever make it through the Chamber of the Ordeal?  
  
Alanna: Ever heard of a little thing I like to call bribery?  
  
Jon: Mirthros save me. My champion conned the Chamber.  
  
George: No worries. *smiles* You wont be needing a champion much longer.  
  
Jon: *gives him a suspicious look*  
  
George: Nothing! Nothing at all!  
  
Jon: Alright, now I'm really scared.  
  
Daine: I really don't blame you.  
  
Peter: Can we get on with it?  
  
Dom: But, I thought. I'm confused now.  
  
Raoul: And what, may I ask, is different?  
  
Dom: *scowl*  
  
James: Fine, don't pay attention to your host who is currently DANGLING FROM THE CEILING!  
  
Gary: Don't worry, we wont.  
  
James: *sigh* Of all the shows and people we had to chose this.  
  
Numair: You mean, you don't like us?!  
  
James: Nah, what gave you that idea?!  
  
Numair: Meanie. *sniff*  
  
Daine: Save me. Save me now.  
  
Dom: Can I get in on the saving deal?  
  
Daine: The snake's still in your hair.  
  
Dom: AGH! DAMN SNAKE! GET. OUT. OF. MY. HAIR! *runs off*  
  
Raoul: I worry about that kid sometimes.  
  
Faithful: I wonder why.  
  
Alanna: There you are Faithful!  
  
Faithful: Great. Just great. *runs*  
  
Remus: QUIET!  
  
All: *complete silence*  
  
Dom: Yo, dude. Like, simmer.  
  
Kel: No Dom. Just no. *shudder*  
  
Dom: Aww, why don't you like it? *hurt look*  
  
Kel: Lets not get into this. AGAIN!  
  
Peter: Dom, are you ever going to ask someone?  
  
Dom: Hmm, I dunno. I could. But then again, I. couldn't?  
  
George: Don't strain it now.  
  
Dom: Aww, that's so sweet! Thanks so much!  
  
Raoul: Dom. Answer me. When was the last time you had sugar?  
  
Dom: Well, James gave me some.  
  
Sirius: *wails* Even when he's tied to the ceiling he manages to give us trouble!  
  
Remus: Creepy.  
  
Sirius: Do you think he's watching us? *looks around like he's paranoid*  
  
James: No. I've gone mysteriously deaf.  
  
Sirius: Oh, ok then.  
  
Remus: *sigh* Why me?! WHY ME?!  
  
Kel: There, there. Believe me, I know what it's like.  
  
Remus: *looks at the Tortallans who are all looking innocently at him* I can see how you would.  
  
Alanna/Jon/George: HEY!  
  
Raoul: That hurts.  
  
Dom: You had better believe it.  
  
Neal: Yah!  
  
Dom: Uh, Neal? Where did you come from?  
  
Neal: Over there. *points at a corner* HE *points at Remus* put me in a time out!  
  
Dom: Neal, you're older than he is. He's only sixteen.  
  
Neal: Really. Interesting. *evil grin*  
  
Remus: Thank you Dom. Just for reference, I want lupines at my funeral.  
  
Sirius: *scribbling on note pad* Gotcha. Oh, and what kind of casket do you want?  
  
Remus: Glad to see you're so on top of it Sirius.  
  
James: No, that would be me.  
  
Sirius: Speaking of that, where's Lily?  
  
James: What the hell does that have to do with Lily?  
  
Remus: Don't question it. We probably don't want to know.  
  
All except Sirius: *nod*  
  
Sirius: Li-ly! LI-LY!  
  
James: *tries to cover his ears, but can't* Agh! Damn the echo! Damn the rope! Damn it all!  
  
All except James and Sirius: *slowly move away*  
  
Neal: We're doing it again!  
  
Faithful: I don't want to know.  
  
Sirius: Come on people! Help me find Lily!  
  
All except James: *search for Lily*  
  
Daine: Hey look! The duck!  
  
Dom: DUCK AND COVER!  
  
All except James: *run screaming*  
  
James: NO! Don't leave me here!  
  
Duck: QUACK! *flies into James*  
  
James: Save me! Someone!  
  
Remus: Will we ever get on with the game? Will we find Lily? Will James survive the deadly duck attack?  
  
James: AGH! 


	8. Episode 8

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!  
  
Remus: Welcome back to Tortallan Truth or Dare! When we last left you, James was being savaged by a duck, we still hadn't found Lily, Dom signed MY execution, Dom had been feed massive amounts of sugar by James, and is yet to ask someone else.  
  
Dom: Sugar? Sugar where?  
  
Neal: Lords help us, I forgot about his sugar addiction.  
  
Raoul: Sugar addiction? You mean there is more of this?  
  
Neal: Unfortunately.  
  
Kel: Wait, Raoul, wouldn't you know about this?  
  
Raoul: You know how rarely we poor lads of the Own get sugar Kel, use your head.  
  
Kel: Ouch?  
  
Dom: Shu-gharr shu-gharr. Oh my lovely SUGAR!  
  
Raoul: And it's times like these that it's a blessing.  
  
Alanna: I can imagine. To think I once thought I had the worst in the family for my squire...  
  
Neal: HEY! I can take offense to that.  
  
Alanna: You go right ahead.  
  
Neal: I suppose I could always just tell them about that little secret...  
  
Alanna: *glances at him warily* What secret?  
  
Neal: Oh you know, about you and the k-  
  
Alanna: Alright! Alright! I'm very sorry Neal, will you EVER forgive me?  
  
Neal: Hmm.  
  
Alanna: *reaches for Lightning*  
  
Neal: *hurriedly* Well, I suppose so.  
  
Raoul: Must be a pretty big secret. I've never seen Alanna apologize to ANYONE.  
  
Neal: *grumble* You don t know the half of it.  
  
Alanna: And you never will.  
  
Kel: Okay, I'll bite. What is it?  
  
Neal: Well, you see-  
  
Alanna: Neal... If you want to live to escape from this hell hole, I have four words.  
  
Neal: And they are?  
  
Alanna: Shut the hell up.  
  
Neal: Right. I'll be doing that then.  
  
Kel: Strange.  
  
Neal: No stranger than you and my cousin.  
  
Kel: EXCUSE ME?  
  
Neal: Right, note to self: keep big fat mouth shut.  
  
Raoul: Sounds good to me.  
  
Dom: I second that.  
  
Neal: I do hate you. All of you.  
  
Dom: Glad to hear it.  
  
Neal: *sulkily* I'm sure you are.  
  
Peter: Dom, your turn. Ask someone, anyone.  
  
Dom: Alrighty then. I guess I'll ask Neal...  
  
Neal: Bugger.  
  
Alanna: Do you even know what that means?  
  
Neal: Not a clue.  
  
Dom: Okay then... Neal.  
  
Neal: Yes?  
  
Dom: Truth or Dare?  
  
Neal: Er...  
  
Dom: Yes?  
  
Neal: Uh...  
  
Dom: Well?  
  
Neal: Hmm...  
  
Dom: Neal, I'm giving you to the count of three and I am going to come over there and hurt you.  
  
Neal: Right then. Er, truth I guess.  
  
Dom: Okay.  
  
Neal: NO! Dare!  
  
Dom: Uh huh.  
  
Neal: Truth! Dare! Truth! Dare!  
  
Dom: *getting increasingly mad*  
  
Neal: Truth?  
  
Dom: *glares at Neal*  
  
Neal: Now Dom. You need to remember to CTTATADB  
  
Lily: *glares at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: Lily! You're back!  
  
Lily: *sighs* Unfortunately...  
  
Dom: I don't think I'll ask.  
  
Neal: Dare? No truth! Dare?  
  
Dom: Alright, so truth it is!  
  
Neal: No! I never said th-  
  
Dom: The time when you had any choice in the matter is past Neal.  
  
Neal: Oh deary me.  
  
Lily: You gave him the story?! HOW COULD YOU, YOU BASTARD!  
  
Gary: I'm thinking we should probably just wait until this dies down. Anyone for a game of poker?  
  
All: *groan*  
  
*ten minutes later*  
  
Kel: Well I'm out. *slaps cards down onto the floor*  
  
Dom/Neal/Daine/Numair/Owen/Raoul/Gary/ Jon: Me too.  
  
Alanna: Well Georgie boy, it's just you and me now. *wicked grin*  
  
George: *gulp*  
  
Neal: Alright George, your turn!  
  
George: Umm. Do you have any threes?  
  
Alanna: *grins* Nope! Go fish!  
  
Kel: Anyone else realize how sad this is?  
  
Raoul: Quiet! We're trying to watch!  
  
Kel: *sigh* I give up! My friends are a bunch of immature, rude, crazy morons!  
  
Dom: Really Kel, it took you that long to realize it?  
  
Neal: You are getting slow!  
  
Kel: Repeat that.  
  
Neal: *gulp* No thanks.  
  
Dom: Wise move Meathead.  
  
Neal: ENOUGH WITH THE MEATHEAD OR I'LL TELL THEM YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND!  
  
All: *silence*  
  
Neal: I said that a bit loud didn't I?  
  
Dom: Just a little.  
  
Neal: Well, I think I'll be going now, you know long drive...  
  
Owen: You don't drive.  
  
Neal: Ride...  
  
Owen: Your horse got fed up and ran away, remember?  
  
Neal: Walk?  
  
Owen: Hmm, I dunno about that one. One minute!  
  
Owen: *whispering to Gary* Oh! Right! I forgot.  
  
Neal: I don't like the sound of that.  
  
Owen: You cant, you broke your leg.  
  
Neal: *confused* I did?  
  
Owen: Yup! See? *hands Dom a club* Go ahead.  
  
Dom: With pleasure! *whacks Neal's right leg with the club*  
  
Neal: *cracking noise, followed by screams* YOU BASTARD! YOU BROKE MY LEG!  
  
Dom: Oh I'm sorry. Here, let me help you.  
  
Neal: AWAY! Stay away!  
  
Owen: I guess you won't be walking then!  
  
Neal: Neither will you if I can help it!  
  
Dom: Now, now. None of that, I'll break your other leg too!  
  
Neal: Kel! Please! Help! Save me from these maniacs!  
  
Kel: Sorry, it's a little too entertaining.  
  
Neal: Well! I never!  
  
Lily: YOU STUPID ASS! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAU-  
  
Dom: Keep talking will you?  
  
Neal: Alanna?  
  
Alanna: Sorry. I just wish-  
  
Neal: What? Wish what?  
  
Alanna: That I could have been the one to smash you with the club. *sigh* After all, I did have to put up with you for FOUR very long years.  
  
Dom: I'm sorry, how inconsiderate of me! Here. *hands her the club*  
  
Neal: NO! You can't do this too me! You need me! Who will heal you?  
  
Kel: Alanna's perfectly capable. Besides, cant you just heal yourself?  
  
Neal: Oh. Right!  
  
Raoul: I worry about that boy sometimes.  
  
Alanna: Don't worry about him silly! Beat him while he's down!  
  
Numair: I never thought I would say this, but, poor Neal.  
  
Neal: YES! Poor, poor, unfortunate me! Numair, good man, HELP ME FOR MIRTHROS'S SAKE!  
  
Daine: Don't do it Numair. He deserves it all!  
  
Remus: HEY! No killing people!  
  
Dom: Oh we aren't killing him! Just, beating him.  
  
Remus: Oh, that's alright then... Wait! No it isn't!  
  
Alanna: *raises club over her head*  
  
Remus: NO! DON'T!  
  
Neal: I didn't know you cared! Though, of course, everyone cares about me.  
  
Remus: On second thought, go right ahead!  
  
Neal: Note to self: listen to previous notes to self.  
  
Sirius: Will Neal live? Will Dom EVER ask the question? Will Lily ever stop harassing me for telling them the story of Hide and Seek? Will James ever kiss Lily? For that matter, will we ever get back to Neal's little announcement?  
  
Remus: GET HIM!  
  
All: ATTACK!  
  
Neal: Oh deary me... 


	9. Episode 9

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!

Remus: Last time we left you, everyone's favorite Tortallans were involved in a very serious game of Go Fish, Neal made a little announcement, causing Dom to beat him. James is still tied to the ceiling, and if I have it my way, that's where he will stay!

Neal: NO! Please don't!

Alanna: I'm sorry Neal, but the time has come… *pauses to think* Wait, I'm not sorry! What am I saying?!

Raoul: Get him Alanna! Get him!

Gary: ALANNA! ALANNA! You know, it just doesn't sound the same.

Dom: Sound the same as what?

Gary: JERRY! JERRY!

Dom: Right.

Raoul: Hey, Alanna! For the purpose of sound effects, can we call you Jerry?

Alanna: Uh…

Gary: Right, it's all settled then!

Alanna [sorry!] Jerry: Hey!

Neal: I'm free! I'm free!

Dom: ATTACK!

Sirius: Jerry! Jerry!

Remus: *sigh* Why me? Why me?!

James: Umm, hello? ANYONE?!

Remus: QUIET!!!!!!!!

All: *quiet*

Remus: Thank you. Now, can we get on with the game already?

James: Not until you get me down!

Remus: Fine. Fine. Just. Don't talk. Okay?

James: *nod*

Owen: These people are jolly strange!

Peter: _We're strange?!_

George: Yes, quite.

Daine: *nods*

James: I'm free! I'm free!

Neal: Join the club. Hey! We should have a secret handshake!

James: Alrighty then.

Lily: Someone get me out of here…

Numair: I could go for that.

Sirius: Sorry! You're all stuck! MWHAHAHAHA!

Kel: Why do I get the feeling he isn't sorry at all?

James: Maybe it's because he's… not?

Alanna: That might do it.

Remus: Why?! What did I do?!

James: Well, let's see…

Remus: *sob*

All: *stare*

Peter: Alright, moving along… Whose turn was it?

Remus: NO ONE APPRECIATES ME!

George: Gee, I wonder why…

Dom: Mine. Neal chose truth.

Neal: I did?

Dom: Yes, you did. Right before Lily tried to kill Sirius, remember?

Neal: No…

Dom: Oh well. Neal. Umm. Did you ever have a crush on Kel?

Neal: No…

Owen: Liar!

Neal: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Alanna/Jon/Raoul/Gary: Neal likes Kel! Neal likes Kel!

Neal: Liked! Neal _LIKED_ Kel!

Kel: That hurts.

Neal: My apologies. Besides, if I liked her now, I would be dead, thus making it impossible for me to like her now…

Numair: Anyone else not understand a word of that?

All: *nod*

Neal: Alright! Fine. Let's put it this way! If I liked her now, Dom would kill me! Okay? Are you happy?!

Gary: He tends to overreact a bit, no?

Raoul: Course he does, he was Alanna's squire.

Alanna: *glare*

Remus: *still crying*

Peter: Er, I don't think anyone really cares, but Remus is still crying.

James: Course he is.

Sirius: Neal's turn to ask someone!

Neal: Alanna!

Alanna: Neal!

Neal: Actually, I meant did you want truth or dare, but whatever.

Alanna: Of course, er, just testing you.

Neal: *grins* Okay!

Sirius: Has he always been these naive?

Dom: Yup.

Alanna: Dare.

Neal: Alright… Hmm… I dare you… To… Uh…

Owen: You're jolly pathetic Neal!

George: So blunt that boy.

Numair: You know you love him.

George: *confused* I do?

Numair: *sigh*

Neal: I've got it! Alanna, I dare you to…

Daine: I thought he said he got it?

Dom: I think he's going for some dramatic suspense.

Daine: Oh… What's that?

Dom: *sigh* Never mind.

Neal: Kiss Jon!

All: WHAT?!

Neal: Or you could not?

Gary: Oh no, this I gotta see!

Alanna: Neal? Could I have a word with you?

Neal: Sure Alanna. What's up?

Alanna: DIE, YOU STUPID BASTARD, DIE!

George: She always has been so subtle.

Kel: *dryly* I can tell.

James: Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!

Alanna: Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!

Jon: That's not very nice!

Alanna: No, I meant _him_. *points at Neal and James*

Owen: That's two people.

Alanna: So?

Owen: Nothing.

Sirius: You gotta do it!

Alanna: *grumbles* Fine! *kisses Jon*

Sirius: Hello?

Raoul: Shouldn't they be done now?

Gary: Alanna? Alanna?! ALANNA! *shrugs* We've lost her.

James: Alanna and Jon, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! *gulps* Uh oh…

George: Die!

Remus: *sob*

Peter: Will James live? Will Remus _ever_ get over it? Will Alanna stop kissing Jon? Will Neal survive the revenge of Alanna? Find out next time! *mutters* _If_ there is a next time…

Gary: JERRY! JERRY!

Remus: *sob* MY NAME ISN'T JERRY!

Raoul: Right…


	10. Episode 10

**Author's Note:** I started this story back in August, planning on about five chapters. Now it is January, and this is CHAPTER 10! AND I have 103 reviews! It certainly has come a long way! I promise to keep updating frequently, at least once a month, and, every once and a while, once a week! I want to thank everyone who has reviewed over the months! I would list you all, but there are just too many! Thank you! You are too kind! Since I have a lot of stories going, and they all need to be updated periodically too, I will not be able to update as often as I would like, but as I said, I will make sure there is at least one a month! If something happens where this is not possible, I will let you know! For anyone who cares Chapter 3 of _The Best Years of Our Lives will be up soon, as well as Chapter 6 of _The Forgotten Shall Rise_. In the Harry Potter realm, __The Last Stand, and _Call It Magic_, and _Plotting the Most Unfortunate Death of Mr. Black_ will be updated as soon as possible! __Destructive Tendencies will once again have its update moved back, due to the fact that the almost finished chapter is on my other computer, which is in the shop, being fixed. Sorry again about that, but it will be up soon! Thanks again to ALL my reviewers, no matter when, or what story, you reviewed!_

That shall be all,

_Seadragon_.

- - - - -

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!

Sirius: Welcome back everyone! And, I would just like to say… THIS IS EPISODE TEN! Wow, I feel so… special. Anyway, the reason Remus isn't saying this is… He was kidnapped by the evil sidekicks to the Carrot Men, the Broccoli Men! He is being held ransom for 50 million bottles of Ranch Dressing.

Random Audience Member [RAM] 1: Bull shit!

RAM 2: Don't mind him! He's a first timer!

RAM 3: And do you know what we do with first timers?

RAM 1: Uh oh… *is surrounded by RAMs, and strung by his ankles from the ceiling*

Sirius: Strange. *mutters* Freaks. *clears throat… loudly* But back to Remus, uh, I think he's still crying actually. And Alanna and Jon still haven't come up for air. Which, *glances at George* is probably a very good plan!

George: *muttering* Damn kingly bastard, he couldn't rule a sock drawer!

Sirius: Neal is looking pretty scared right about now, I don't really blame him.

RAM 1: HELP! HELP!

James: Ignore him! No help is needed! *tickles RAM 1 with a very long feather*

Neal: *slowly edging away from George, who is giving him a death glare*

Dom: La la la laa, la la la laa, hey-ey ohhhhhhh goodbye!

Raoul: *stares*

Peter: *pokes Alanna with a stick*

Alanna: *whips around and brandishes Lightning* Who's there?!

All: *snicker*

Alanna: *glares*

George: Alanna, dearest…

Alanna: Yes George?

George: What in the name of the goddess were you doing?

Alanna: What did it look like? I was doing the dare.

George: That bet ended, oh, thirty minutes ago!

Alanna: *glances around for an escape* Right then, I guess it's my turn…

George: This isn't over!

Alanna: Whatever you say dear. I'll ask, Sirius!

Sirius: How about, no?

Alanna: Yes.

Sirius: No.

Alanna: I insist.

Sirius: I… Insist harder!

Alanna: Truth or dare?

Sirius: Truth. Wait! No! I'm not going!

Alanna: Tough luck. Who do _you_ like?

Sirius: *sweat drop* Dare.

Alanna: No.

Sirius: Yes.

Alanna: NO!

Sirius: Yes! You won last time! Dare, cause I'm not answering that question.

Alanna: *grumbles* Fine. I dare you to steal Lord Wyldon's rat suit and do the chicken dance! And you have to get the suit WITHOUT magic!

Sirius: Can you say, shit?

Alanna: Actually, yes, I can-

Sirius: And you say I'm stupid James!

Alanna: Just get a move on!

Sirius: *pop*

Kel: Now what?

Gary: Now… We polka!

Kel: No thanks. I'll pass.

Neal: Tango?

Kel: Sure! I _love to tango!_

Gary: Okay, I'm hurt now.

Lights: *dim*

Stools: *long ago abandoned for the floor/ceiling, move to the back*

Kel: *is wearing a bright, flaming red dress, has a rose clenched in her teeth*

Neal: *is wearing a black tux*

Jon/Gary/Raoul/George/Numair: *are wearing bright turquoise sequin dresses and doing the can-can in the background*

Owen: *plays the piano*

Dom: *plays the cello*

Alanna/Daine: *play the violin*

Neal: My lady? *offers an arm*

Kel: My lord. *takes his arm*

Neal/Kel: *dance*

Music: *plays*

Cross-dressing men: *do the can-can*

Neal: *dips Kel until her hair is touching the floor* Ow!

Kel: What?

Neal: *grumbles* The bloody rose poked me!

Dom: *snickers*

Piano/Cello/Violins: *disappear*

Jon: Thank god! That dress was awful!

Gary: Agreed. Ugh.

Numair: I could live happy knowing that dress was burnt…

George: I'm on it! *pulls out matches*

Peter: NO! NO MATCHES! NO BURNING! NO FIRES!

George: *stares*

Raoul: I dunno, it was kind of pretty…

Kel: I think we might have to face the very real possibility of Raoul being gay.

Raoul: I'm not gay! *defensively* I just like shiny things!

Dom: Gay. Definitely.

Raoul: *sniff*

Lily: Dear god! Not _another_!

Remus: *sniff*

Raoul: *cries*

Lily: *rolls eyes*

Sirius: *pop* I'm ba-ack!

Gary: Damn, and here I was hoping he would stay away!

Sirius: *puts on rat suit* Wow, that old man scares easy…

Jon: WHAT DID YOU DO?

Sirius: *wide eyed* Nothing! Why does everyone always accuse me?!

James: They don't. They always accuse me.

Sirius: Oh. Right.

James: *rolls eyes*

Sirius: Anyways, I'm ready to get this over with!

Alanna: *snickers*

Sirius: *does the chicken dance* I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so I'll wave my butt…

Lily: Disturbing.

James: Very.

Sirius: HEY! YOU AGREED ON SOM- *falls over* Ouch?

Peter: *snickers*

Sirius: All done! *waves his wand and the rat suit disappears* Well that was fun!

Lily: Whatever floats your boat.

Sirius: Wha-?!

Lily: Muggle thing.

Sirius: Right… My turn! I choose… *evil grin* Lily! Truth or dare?

Lily: Well, I already chose truth, so, against my better judgment, dare.

Sirius: Really? *waves his wand behind his back*

Lily: No Black, *sarcastic* I'm pulling your leg.

Sirius: Huh?

Lily: Muggle thing.

Sirius: Grr…

Peter: Hey?! Where did James go?!

Sirius: *innocent smile*

Dom: *give Sirius a weird look* I don't trust him.

Kel: Probably a good idea.

Sirius: Okay Lily! I dare you to… Kiss this frog! *pulls out a frog from behind his back*

Lily: EW! I'll have to wash my mouth out with soap after that!

Sirius: Muggle thing?

Lily: Muggle thing. Give it here. *holds out a hand*

Sirius: *hands her the frog*

Lily: *kisses the frog*

All: Ew!

Frog: *turns into… James!*

All: Ohh! *turn and glare at Sirius*

Lily: *kisses James, realizes it isn't a frog any more, and blushes* SIRIUS BLACK!

James: What are you yelling at him for? He turned _me_ into a FROG!

Sirius: Gotta run!

James: Oh well. Might as well make the best of this! *kisses Lily*

Peter: Will Sirius escape alive? And speaking of Sirius, who _does_ he like? Will Remus and Raoul stop crying and _get over it? Will we ever recover from the scaring sight of five men in blue sequin dresses doing the can-can? With our luck, probably not._

Remus: *stops crying and stares at them* About bloody time.

Peter: Oh well, one out of five isn't _too_ bad! See you next time!


	11. Episode 11

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!

Remus: Welcome back! Well, I know one good thing that has happened since last time, if nothing else! I GOT MY LINE BACK! Go me!

All: *stare*

Remus: What?! I like this job!

Neal: You know, we may not be very bright, but we have some _excellent _healers…

Tortallans: *nod*

Remus: *dryly* Yes, I'm sure you do…

Dom: Say, Neal? If the healers are so great, what exactly is wrong with you? I mean, surely if they can fix Remus's little problem…

Neal: I don't appreciate that.

Gary: Y'know, _somehow_, I don't think that was the point.

Neal: Probably not.

Sirius: They don't need _us_ to make fun of them Remus, they are doing perfectly well on their own!

Remus: I know, disappointing, isn't it?

Sirius: Very. Say, what ever happened to Lily and James?

Remus: Well, a number of things, but I'm thinking you might want to start running.

Sirius: *looks behind him and gulps* Run away!

Lily/James: DIE!

Kel: Didn't he say that a while ago? Say, Episode 3? Or was it 4? 5? Or 8? Hmm…

Peter: Let's look at it this way… Does it really matter?!

Kel: That was harsh. *sob*

Neal: There-

Dom: There. Hey! You stole my line!

Neal: Aren't I good at it though?

Dom: You aren't good at anything.

Alanna: Hear, hear.

Neal: No one appreciates me!  
  


Lily: We've heard that before.

Remus: Er, Lily?

Lily: Yes?  
  


Remus: *nervous smile* What happened to Sirius? Or do I not want to know?

Lily: *sweetly* That all depends.

Remus: On?

Lily: Oh, a couple things.

Remus: Such as?

Lily: 1. Whether you had anything to do with it. 2. If you care at all about him. And last, but certainly not least, 3. If you care whether you get horrific nightmares for the rest of your life and are unable to sleep for rest of said life.

Remus: Never mind.

Peter: Hey! Over here! Pick me!

Remus: Yes?

Peter: Whose turn is it?

Lily: Mine. Sirius just better be glad he is incapable of playing at the moment…

Gary: Why am I suddenly very concerned about his health?

Raoul: Could be the fact that Lily and James chased him off the stage just ten minutes ago? Or maybe the evil glint in Lily's eye?

Gary: Something along those lines.

Lily: I choose… Raoul!

Raoul: And this is where I remember what a good idea it is not to draw attention to myself…

Lily: Never mind that, it went out the window with the can-can. Truth or dare?

Raoul: Which one am I most likely to regret?

Lily: *deadpanned* Truth.

Raoul: Alright, dare then.

Remus: *awed* Lily! I didn't know you had it in you!

Raoul: Wait! Can I change my answer?

Marauders: *snicker*

Gary: *stage whisper* I think that's a no.

Raoul: *sarcastic* Really?

Remus: *sigh* And just when I was beginning to think these people had some sense.

Dom: Don't even bother. We don't. You'll just give yourself a headache.

Remus: Y'know, in a twisted way, that made sense... Oww.

Dom: Don't say I didn't warn you.

Remus: *dryly* Oh don't worry, I wont.

Peter: I hate to be the one who _always_ brings this up, but… Can we _please_ get on with it?

Lily: Alright, alright. Raoul, I dare you to… Uh… Oh shit.

Kel: What?

Lily: Well, you see, um…

Remus: What she is trying to say is; she is too embarrassed to say that she can't think of a good dare.

George: Oh! That makes sense. I think…

Jon: *snort* That's pathetic!

Lily: *growl*

Jon: No! Not you! Never you! I meant him! George!

Lily: Hmm.

Jon: Really! I swear! *grovels*

George: I'm pathetic? _I'm _pathetic?!

Jon: Alright, that's it, you're goin' down!

Alanna: *sigh* Why me? Why me?!

Lily: Women everywhere are asking that honey.

Daine: It figures. We're stuck with the mental ones.

Numair: Ex-cuse me?

Daine: You turned a man into a tree! A tree, I tell you, a tree!

Numair: Point taken.

James: *innocently* A tree you say? And how exactly did you go about this?  
  


Lily: Severus Snape, wherever you are, run for your goddamn life.

Remus: I hate to say this, I really do, but I agree. James getting revenge is just not a pretty sight.

James: I'm hurt Remus. How could you say such a thing?!

Remus: Would you rather I say that you are dreadful at it, and would have better luck boxing with the giant squid?

James: Never mind.

Kel: Well, if Lily can't think of a dare, does that mean it's a truth?

Remus: I dunno. I guess it's time for the Handy-Dandy Extreme Book of Rules for Truth or Dare, Tortallan Edition to make a comeback.

Tortallans: *groan*

Remus: *pulls out the Handy-Dandy Extreme Book of Rules for Truth or Dare, Tortallan Edition and flips through it* Hmm… Let's see… No, that's not it. Er, no, definitely not. Aha! Found it! When the Darer (Lily) is unable to think of something to ask the Daree (Raoul), another contestant gets to give the Daree a dare!

Dom: Confusing.

Neal: Agreed.

Kel: Wait a minute. Did they just. Agree?

Alanna: You know what, I think they did. Someone, anyone! Alert the media!

Kel: *in awe* This is a major breakthrough.

Raoul: *snaps pictures on his Kodak disposable camera*

Alanna: I probably don't want to know, but I just can't resist. Raoul? Where the hell did you get that?

Raoul: My hairdresser gave it to me. She said it went well with my new look.

Kel: *takes deep breaths*

Alanna: *snorts*

Raoul: What? What?!

Dom: I suppose this is what we get for fighting, and insulting, and disagreeing all the time.

Neal: I think they're just doing to bug us.

Kel: No, you think?!

Dom: No, not usually.

Lily: Hmm, that sounds kind of familiar… *glances at the Marauders*

Marauders: *grin*

Owen: Alright, so picture me this… Neal used to like Kel. Dom used to like Kel. So who likes Kel now?

Jon: Random much?

Owen: Why yes, thank you.

Jon: *sigh*

Owen: But what I'm saying is; does anyone like Kel now?

Neal: Not me!

Dom: Or me!

Kel: Gee, I feel so wanted.

Alanna: No worries.

Kel: Easy for you to say, you had _four_ guys fighting for you. I mean, you had the Crown Prince, the King of Thieves, the Shang Dragon, and Bob the Carthaki Flower seller!

George/Jon: _Bob_?

Alanna: Nice work dumbass. What are you trying to do?

Kel: Y'know, that's a really good question…

Alanna: *sigh* Owen, in answer to your question, lets question those two with the same thing Remus used on Lily.

Lily: No! I won't do it!

James: _Re Vera_!

Lily: I was _trying_ to make a point there!

James: *innocent grin*

Lily: Grr…

James: *whimpers*

Alanna: Moving along… Domitan, Nealan, listen up.

Neal: The name! Why is it so hard?!

Alanna: Right… Do you like Kel?

Neal/Dom: Yes. What?! No, I do! I do! I do!

Kel: Oh shit.

Owen: Ditto.

Remus: Oh well, they'll get over it. I hope… Anyways, have we completely forgotten about Gary's dare? Will Jon and George ever forgive Alanna for her one night stand with Bob the Carthaki Flower seller? Will either Dom or Neal survive the fight they are sure to start next time? Is Sirius even alive somewhere out there? You may think so, but I'm not so sure… So, until next time!

Jon/George: BOB?! You slept with a man named BOB?!

Alanna: *defensively* It's a perfectly nice name!

Jon/George: Sure! For a flower seller!

Alanna: *sigh*

Neal: YOU like her?

Dom: What about you?! You're supposed to be her best friend!

Neal: What does that have to do with anything?!

Dom: I don't know! It just sounds good!

Neal: Right…


	12. Episode 12

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!

Remus: Welcome back! We managed to separate Jon and George, and Neal and Dom. It took a bit of effort, but we got there in the end!

Alanna: A _bit_ of effort?! **smacks Owen** Ow! That hurt!

Owen: Well if you would just hold still it might not! **bandages a cut on Alanna's forehead**

Jon: **in a cage with Neal** Let me out! I'll be good, I promise!

George: **scowls** Oh? And since when has one of your so-called _promises_ meant anything?

Jon: Oh? And you're one to talk, you're a bloody thief!

George: Only bloody because _your_ Champion's cat has sharp claws!

Peter: Stop it! Or we'll just leave you to rot in there!

Jon/George: **silent**

Gary: Y'know, we really should have done this a _long_ time ago.

Jon: Say, George, do you have any interest in becoming Prime Minister?

Gary: **pouts** Hey!

Jon: Serves you right.

Dom: Neal.

Neal: Yes?

Dom: You realize I'm going to have to kill you, right?

Neal: Not if I get you first.

Dom: Alright. I can work with that.

Raoul: Is anyone else really concerned about the sanity of these two?

All: **nod**

Raoul: Has everyone forgotten about the fact that I still haven't gotten my dare?

Lily: **grins** Not anymore, thank you for reminding me.

Raoul: **smacks head**

Remus: It's sad really.

James: Just be thankful it isn't you.

Remus: Anyway, as it says in the Handy-Dandy Extreme Book of Rules for Truth or Dare, Tortallan Edition…

All: **groan**

Remus: **ignores** Since Lily can't think of a dare, somebody else gets to.

Kel: Oh! Oh! **bounces** Me? Please?!

Remus: **rolls eyes** Yes Kel?

Owen: **stage whisper** Actually, I think she wants to give the dare.

Remus: **coughs** Right. Fine, go ahead.

Kel: **cackles**

Raoul: **backs away slowly, making the sign against evil**

Gary: Anyway… Where did Daine and Numair go?

George: Where do you think?

All: **heads swivel to a corner of the room where Daine and Numair are kissing**

Faithful: Typical of humans. Absolutely typical.

Alanna: You do know she's half goddess, right?

Faithful: **scoffs** Of course. Wait, did you say _half goddess_?!

All: **snort**

Kel: Hey! Raoul! Over here! I have your dare!

Raoul: **warily** Yes?

Kel: **triumphant** You have to…

Raoul: …

Kel: Kiss Gary!

Gary/Raoul: **faint**

George: Are you mad?!

Dom: **scoffs** Of course she is! She was Raoul's squire!

Kel: Gee, thanks.

Neal: Sucker.

Kel: I'm not exactly thrilled with you either.

Neal: **pouts**

Faithful: So, is there any real point to us being here besides getting asked to do stupid things?

James: **thinks** Nah. Not really.

Faithful: Oh. Okay… I think.

Kel: So, if they don't wake up any time soon does that mean we move on?

Remus: Just let me check the Handy-Dandy Ex-

All: ENOUGH ALREADY! BURN THE DAMN BOOK!

Remus: **gasp** No! Not the Handy-Dandy Extreme Book of Rules for Truth or Dare, Tortallan Edition.

Owen: **plucks book from his hands** I'm sorry. It's time. **chucks it into the convenient fireplace to his left**

Remus: **sobs**

Lily: **groans** Not this again!

Kel: Well? Do we?

Lily: **rolls eyes** How the hell am I supposed to know?!

Remus: My precious book! How could you?! **attacks Owen**

James: **grabs the back of Remus's shirt and holds him off Owen** Really Remus, you need to grow up.

Lily: **scoffs** And this is coming from you?! Leader of the Marauders? Tell me another one!

James: **scowls** I'll have you know I'm very mature for my age!

Lily: **snorts** Right.

Kel: Well, since no one is answering my question, we'll just move on. Oi! Numair!

Numair: You rang?

Daine: **scowls**

Kel: Just a quick question, then you can get back to whatever you were doing. Promise.

Numair: **rolls eyes** Make it quick.

Kel: Ozorne: Friend or lover?

Alanna: Wait a tick, I want to know too. Hey, James! Little help?

James: Why don't I just put it on all of us, saves a lot of time?

Alanna: **shrugs** Go ahead.

James: _Re Vera_!

Kel: Well?

Numair: New question? Please? Pretty please?

Kel: Just answer it. If it's no, no need to worry. If it's yes, just hope you can hold Daine off in the form of a wolf, or something equally carnivorous.

Numair: **gulp** Um, n- n- n-, damn you! Yes! Okay?! YES!

All: **jaws drop**

Daine: WHAT?! **growls**

Numair: **runs**

Dom: Probably a smart choice.

George: Mhm.

Jon: Say, can we get out anytime soon?

Neal: I've been working on the railroad, all the live long day… I've been working on the railroad, just to pass the time away!

Owen: **opens cages** You're free! You're free!

George: **raises eyebrow**

Owen: **slouches and walks away grumbling**

Dom: Right then. So we're free. And-?

Neal: I think you're missing the point. **strolls out of cage and runs to Kel** I win!

Dom: Damn! You cheated!

Neal: Did not!

Dom: Did too!

Neal: I refuse to play such a childish game!

Dom: …

Neal: Did not!

Dom: Did too!

All: **sigh**

Raoul: **wakes up** Where am I?

Jon: **deadpanned** the Realms of the Dead.

Raoul: Huh?! How'd I get here? I think I just might remember dying!

Jon: Would you?

Raoul: Uh, yah.

Jon: And how does that make you feel?

Raoul: **backs away** You're not Jon! You're my evil shrink! Ahh! runs

George: Raoul sees a shrink?

Alanna: Interesting. Very interesting…

James: Looks like Raoul's gonna need a restraining order.

Alanna: What's that? Can I have one?

James: **rolls eyes** They _are_ barbarians! A restraining order is something you get from court to keep someone away from you.

Alanna: So, I have to get one from all those stuffy nobles? **confused**

James: **sigh** Never mind.

Neal: Did not times infinity plus one!

Dom: Did too times infinity plus two!

Neal: Did not times infinity plus infinity!

Dom: **gasps** Whoa. You're good.

Neal: **winks** I know.

All: **back away slowly**

Neal: What?! What?!

Dom: Looks like you're the loser **cackles**

Neal: No! You are! I'm not a loser!

Lily: **rolls eyes** Well, there's only one way to solve this.

James: **gasps** A pie eating contest?! Isn't that a little premature?! Are you sure they're ready for that?!

Lily: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of Kel choosing one of them, but I like that idea better!

George: **mutters** _We_ need help?

Lily: Why yes, you do.

Owen: **raises eyebrow**

George: Hey! That's _my_ trademark!

Jon: **raises eyebrow**

George: **growls**

Jon: Oh help, there seems to be a rabid thief growling at me. I'm _so_ scared.

Lily: _Anyway_, I get to judge!

James: How about the five of us judge?

Lily: Sounds good. Remus? Peter? Sirius?

Remus: **waves from the edge of a random pool** Right here.

Lily: Uh…

Remus: Don't you like it? I had it installed while Dom and Neal were arguing.

Lily: **lamely** It's, er, _nice_. Where are Sirius and Peter?

Remus: Well, Sirius is wherever you left him. And Peter went to get some pool toys. He should be back in an hour or so.

James: Well I guess it's just us two judging the pie eating contest Lily.

Remus: Did you say, _pie eating contest_?! I'm in!

Dom: A pie eating contest?! That's how we decide?!

Lily: **nods**

Neal: **mutters** Great. Just great. And I'm going against Mr. Bigmouth 462 HE.

Dom: **proudly** And 461! Everyone forgets that one.

Neal: **sigh**

Remus: **sips soda** Well, next time is sure to be interesting! Not only will we have our pie eating contest, but Peter will be back with the pool toys! Sirius may or may not show up, and Numair might find himself surprisingly dead. **shrugs** All in a day's work I guess!

Numair: Help! **runs**

Daine: **chases**

Alanna: **trips Numair**

Numair: **falls** Ahh!


	13. Episode 13

**Tortallan Truth or Dare**

Welcome to Truth or Dare! Tortallan Edition! Hosted by none other than the Marauders!

Remus: Welcome back! It's been a long time, no? Anyway, last time you saw us, we were just about to start the pie eating contest between Neal and Dom! James, Lily, and myself will be the judges. We'd include Sirius and Peter, but I think Sirius might be dead, and Peter still isn't back with the pool toys. Oh well.

Neal: Remind me again why I agreed to this?

James: You didn't. We agreed for you. You really didn't have any say at all.

Neal: Why am I not surprised?

James: **shrug**

Kel: **sigh** Lets get this over with.

Lily: Fine, fine. Hold your horses. We do need to discuss the rules you know.

Dom: Which are?

Lily: There aren't any.

George: **blink**

James: Hey! Who are you blinking at thief boy!

Jon: Have we even attempted to escape yet?

Alanna: And where exactly did that come from?

Jon: **shrug** I just figured it was time. It's only been a year and a half you know, and some of us have better things to do. Like myself.

George: You? Better things? Like what, clip your fingernails?

Jon: **scowl**

Alanna: Again, why me?

Daine: Why you! My husband, who I just so happen to have two children with, is gay! You do _not_ have problems.

Alanna: I can see how that would suck.

Numair: Hey! It was a long time ago… And he was the heir to the throne. Who here would say no?

All: **raise hands**

Numair: **glare**

Daine: Aww, is the big bad black mage pouting? Does he need his evil boyfriend to come back from the dead and cheer him up?

Numair: Remind me why I married you again…

Owen: Because she was the only one who would take you?

James: **snort**

Lily: Can we get on with it any time soon?

Dom: Yeah, before it's time to go for dinner preferably, I need something to whet my appetite.

Neal: Oh goddess…

Daine: Yes?

Faithful: I really don't think he was talking to you.

Daine: Oh. Oh. Well then. Scowls

Remus: Alright! We're all set up! Basically, whoever can eat the most pies in fifteen minutes wins! And the winner gets Kel!

Kel: Hang on a sec, _gets_ Kel? What am I, a suit of armor?

Alanna: **mutter** You're certainly stiff enough…

Raoul: **raises eyebrow** Someone forgot to take their Valium today.

Gary: Probably not the smartest thing you've ever done Raoul.

Raoul: No, probably not.

Alanna: **glare**

Lily: Any minute now would be nice…

Peter: I'm ba-ack, and I have rubber duckies!

All:** stare**

Peter: What? What!

Dom: I don't think we want to know.

James: **shrug** Peter's always been a bit strange.

Sirius: A bit? A _bit_! I don't think so my friend!

All: **stare**

Sirius: What? What!

James: Aren't you, er, dead?

Sirius: Umm, no, I don't think so. I mean, I think I might've noticed, you know?

Alanna: You never know…

Sirius: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Anyway, what'd I miss?

James: Dom and Neal are going to have a pie eating contest. Winner gets to keep Kel.

Kel: _grumble_

Sirius: Whoa. Isn't that, I don't know, kind of drastic?

James: That's what I thought.

George: What's the big deal about a pie eating contest?

Jon: Hey, George.

George: Yah?

Jon: Do you _really_ want to know the answer to that?

George: Point taken.

Gary: I don't suppose this is going to be the last episode?

James: No.

Lily: Not a chance.

Sirius: What, are you kidding?

Remus: Madness…

Peter: Duckies!

All:** stare**

Neal: Can we get this over with?

Kel: Must we get it over with?

All: Yes.

Kel: Oh.

James: Alright, contestants, take your seats!

Neal: **gulp**

Dom: **cracks knuckles** You're going down pansy boy!

Neal: Hey! Did you not read the latest chapter of The Forgotten Shall Rise? I had my arm cut off! MY ARM! Who's the pansy now?

Lily: The Forgotten Shall Rise?

Tortallans: **shudder** Don't ask.

Remus: **raises eyebrow** Right...

James: When I say go, you go. Got it?

Dom/Neal: **nod**

Raoul: I should hope they get it. Not exactly the most difficult of concepts.

Alanna: Still, a lot of things you wouldn't expect go right over their heads. I think it's the Queenscove blood. Duke Baird always was a bit thick.

Jon: Oh?

Alanna: Oh come _on_, he never even caught on that I was a girl for Mithros' sake.

Jon: So? He's still the chief healer. Obviously he did something right, at some point.

Alanna: You know you just kept him on because your father chose him.

Jon: And that's a bad thing why?

Alanna: Think about it for a minute. Your father was called the Peacemaker. Doesn't exactly lead to a heavy workload for the healers, does it?

George: **rolls eyes**

James: This could take a while.

Gary: Gee, you don't say?

James: Actually I do.

Lily: **sigh** Sarcasm James, sarcasm.

James: Oh. Right. I knew that.

Dom: Suuure you did.

James: Do you _want_ him to get a head start or something?

Dom: **blush**

Neal: **rolls eyes**

Lily: Any chance we're going to start while we're still young?

Remus: Probably not.

Faithful: Speak for yourself. _I_ will be young forever.

Sirius: Maybe so, but you're still a cat.

Faithful: **hiss**

Sirius: **growl**

Remus: **raises eyebrow**

Peter: Do you think I can put the pool toys on my expense account?

Remus: **sigh**

Peter: What? What this time?

Daine: You really are slow aren't you?

Numair: You're one to talk. Who was it that lived with a wolf pack for a year?

Daine: At least I didn't turn a man into a tree!

Numair: Umm, Daine? I did that on purpose.

Jon: **rolls eyes** This is sad. I depend on these people to defend my country…

George: Well maybe if you did a better job of it _yourself_ you wouldn't need us.

Jon: Who said I was talking about you?

Alanna: **sigh**

Remus: I think we had better cut it off here for today. You know, ease the tension and all… The pie eating contest will just have to wait. And it'll give Daine and Numair a chance to work out their "problems". And if we're lucky, Peter'll be able to book an appointment with his therapist.

Neal: And just when I was all ready to take Dom down too…

Dom: Excuse me?

Neal: You heard me.

Dom: In your dreams pretty boy.

Neal: _Pretty boy_!

Remus: **sigh**

**End**


End file.
